Today is just one of those days where I'm feeling, well blah really. My legs and hips hurt, I need to go out and pay bills, I'm tired, the dogs wont behave, its hot as hell outside, and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my husband.
For some reason he's just not wanting to talk about adoption. Every time I bring it up because we need to talk about it and make a decision he gets really moody, and I just cant talk to him. Then he gets mad, and makes me feel guilty because he knows that means that we will have to clear out the bigger of the two bedrooms upstairs, and goes into the whole well I'll just sell off my guns. That's not what I want to do. I don't want to play the guilt game. But I also know that time is not long on this world for anybody. I don't want to die a lonely old woman with no children to comfort her when the end comes. I'm not stupid, I know that adoption is a long, hard process. Well its not as hard as it used to be with so many children needing homes, but its still a long process that requires a lot of patients. I feel like we are on two different levels when it comes to family. I don't know anymore. I guess I'm just so frustrated that I want to cry. I love my niece and nephews, but that's not enough. The two oldest ones are on their own, and doing there own thing. I'm not so certain that they have time to be bothered anyways...my youngest nephew and niece live far enough away and with the way my schedule works anymore I don't get to see them but maybe once a month.
Am I whining and complaing, absolutely. Do I know it, absolutely. Should I stop it probably, but do i want to, no. I guess maybe I should give Frank a bit more time, I mean we only just found out a bit less than a month ago that Diabetics can adopt. It could be a bit much for him to take in. I don't think he ever imagined adopting a child. When I look into my heart, I know I could love any child that was given to me to care for, and to be mine. Does it hurt to know that at this point its more than likely I will never feel a child growing inside of my body, a little piece of me and a little piece of Frank, yeah, it hurts so bad that I feel somebody stabbed me in the chest, and is twisting the knife.
Alright, enough, I had better stop this because I'm just going to send myself back into some kind of a crazy depression....everybody have a great weekend.
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